Which President Is Mentioned by Name in the Theme Song of Tv's "All in the Family"?
If I Wrote a Coronavirus Episode
Tina Fey, Mike Schur, and 35 more TV writers on what their characters would do in a pandemic.
Clockwise from acme-correct: Niles Crane in Frasier, Tracy Hashemite kingdom of jordan in 30 Rock, Sawyer in Lost, Olivia Benson in Police force & Guild: SVU, Elmo in Sesame Street, Autobus Taylor in Fri Nighttime Lights, and Leslie Knope in Parks and Recreation. Illustration: Richard A Adventure
Clockwise from top-correct: Niles Crane in Frasier, Tracy Jordan in xxx Stone, Sawyer in Lost, Olivia Benson in Law & Order: SVU, Elmo in Sesame Street, Bus Taylor in Fri Night Lights, and Leslie Knope in Parks and Recreation. Illustration: Richard A Risk
Clockwise from top-right: Niles Crane in Frasier, Tracy Hashemite kingdom of jordan in 30 Rock, Sawyer in Lost, Olivia Benson in Law & Club: SVU, Elmo in Sesame Street, Coach Taylor in Friday Night Lights, and Leslie Knope in Parks and Recreation. Analogy: Richard A Hazard
Archie Bunker would prefer you stand six miles from him. Sawyer fromLostwill probably face up criminal charges for hoarding and reselling precious items. Elmo is playing musical chairs with his parents. The coronavirus hasn't seeped into the shows we're all bingeing to laissez passer the time — and information technology won't for a while since the manufacture is shut down — only how would TV'south almost beloved characters navigate social distancing in these night days?
We posed that question to dozens of showrunners, creators, and writers; 37 of them responded with scene scripts, monologues, and episode outlines, including a hilarious Skype session betwixt Frasier and Niles, a classic locker-room speech from Double-decker Taylor, an excerpt from Selina Meyer'due south biography, and a vlog for Rogelio De La Vega'southward biggest fans. We even learned what caused the whole pandemic — you tin can arraign it on Veep'southward Mike McLintock.
The concluding known image of Pete Hornberger. Photo: NBC
Tracy has already contracted and survived the virus ("My snakes consume bats and and so I use my snakes to practice French kissing, so it was inevitable, Liz Lemon!"), and so he would declare himself an allowed "light-green person" and set out to assist. (Tracy: "Similar Mister Rogers said, 'Await like the helpers.'") So, dressed as a fire fighter, he would volunteer his time delivering illegal box jellyfish to the elderly.
Jack would attempt to get Liz to go to the surreptitious GE isle off the declension of Connecticut: "Information technology will simply exist the top executives, any wives nether forty, and yep, Lauer volition be there, but only because it was built into his deal years ago." Liz refuses to get because of her desire to be egalitarian only likewise considering anybody would probably be barefoot. Pass. She would shelter in identify like nobody's business and still somehow dodge sex with James Marsden.
Kenneth would be the about prepared, having grown upwardly Eighth Day Resurrected Covenant of the Holy Trinity and observing its End of Days Countdown Agenda, which is different from most calendars. "For example, nosotros've only had Christmas twice, only Easter is every four hours." Jack would offer to purchase Kenneth's closet of canned chickpeas for a one thousand thousand dollars, just Kenneth would merely give him two cans for costless. "Hoarding is a sin, sir! Just similar skateboarding or riding a horse you're not related to!" —Tina Fey and Sam Ways
Read the rest of 30 Rock'south coronavirus episode ➽
At least Pawnee is doing okay. Photo: NBC
First of all,Leslie would've known the CDC protocols for social distancing already, and they would've been instituted within 24 hours of the get-go reports of the coronavirus in America. A full-color poster explaining what people could and could not practise would be posted on every lamppost and message lath in Pawnee, and she would write a song with lyrics explaining what everyone's responsibilities were going forward. Maybe it would've been set to a famous existing vocal, like "Imagine," past John Lennon. Simply the lyrics would help people. And not brand anybody aroused.
2d, she more than than anyone would recognize the importance of customs. All town forums would be continued online. Zoom would be installed on everyone's computers overnight. She would worry, though, virtually the lack of in-person contact, and so she andAnn would have proper six-foot-apart walk-and-talks every twenty-four hours. If Ann swayed closer than six feet, she would be gently chastised, perhaps via spray canteen. Somewhen, Leslie would invent some kind of article of clothing Hula-Hoop rig that would demonstrate how far apart they needed to be.
She would check in onTom andDonna andApr andAndy and l other people iv times a day to run across if any of them had a fever or coughing. They would pretend to be annoyed but would secretly beloved it.
Ron would be thrilled because now in that location's a reason for him to be alone with no one bothering him. But he'd worry about Leslie.—Mike Schur
Thanks, Dr. Crane. Photograph: NBC
FRASIER sits at a table with a cappuccino.
FRASIER
Good morning, Niles.
NILES sits at a divide table with a cappuccino.
NILES
And to you, Frasier.
NILES, in rubber gloves, wipes his chair with his handkerchief, and so moves on to wipe his open up laptop. We now see they are in different houses and speak via Skype. NILES wipes his camera lens.
FRASIER
Not that I don't please in the squealing of your safe glove across the camera lens, but Dr. Freud might wonder if an excess cleansing of 1'due south physical space doesn't bespeak the distinctly unclean state of one's ain mind.
NILES
I accept had impure thoughts during this confinement. Last night at virtual wine social club, I assayed a ripe Bordeaux held more promise than the loose laces on a beer-hall barmaid'southward peasant blouse. —Christopher Lloyd
Read the rest of Frasier's coronavirus scene ➽
Boyd Crowder wouldn't let a crisis go to waste. Photo: Mark Seliger/FX
[Gear up in the time of "Fire in the Hole," the Elmore Leonard story on which the series is based.]
Timing couldn't exist worse, said Devil, slouching into the falling-down church, swastikas and Aryan Brotherhood symbols on the wall. "How're nosotros gonna move on that banking concern with all the gov'mint types and the federal medical-swabbing and taking jabs, testing for the corona. Y'all ask me, at that place ain't nothing the matter; they're simply gonna employ it to impose martial police." "I didn't ask yous," said Boyd Crowder. "And y'all're wrong — the timing couldn't be meliorate. Nosotros set off a charge under a car in the ARH parking lot by the quarantine tents, the hospital'll become into lockdown, the police and federals guarding it, everyone jumpy 'crusade of the virus. While we stroll into the bank in Somerset, more often than not empty 'cause of the distancing, and no ane suspecting united states, because us and everyone else, well, we're supposed to be wearing masks." Devil smiled, having not thought of information technology that mode, why he was glad to be in Crowder'due south Commandos, the way Boyd'due south mind worked.
Dewey Crowe came through the door, breathing difficult, Boyd asking if he was normally this out of jiff walking up the church steps, an border to the question, the way everyone was at present with whatsoever sneeze or coughing. Dewey said he'd been to see Ava, only there was a federal there, said he knew Boyd, merely he'd run him off. "No, you didn't," said Boyd, looking past Dewey through the door. "He followed you."
Boyd watched a human go out of a Town Car, putting on a cowboy hat equally he walked like Gary Cooper toward the church. It'd been 20 years since Boyd'd seen him — the hat was new — only you spend 12 hours a 24-hour interval with a man
you never forget his walk. Devil joined Boyd in the doorway, asking who this was. "That there is Raylan Givens," said Boyd. "We dug coal together."
—Graham Yost
Six to ten feet apart, detectives. Photo: NBC
"When I am non on the front lines of the pandemic with my squad, I am, of form, self-quarantining with my husband, Kevin, and our beloved domestic dog, Cheddar the Dog. For breakfast, we have our favorite meal: unbuttered plain bagels with a side of lukewarm water. For lunch, we split up a whole-wheat no-flavor Nutrition Brick (without crunch), and for dinner, we each have a portion of Kevin'due south boiled rice. And for dessert, nosotros split some other portion of Kevin's boiled rice.
Today I read Kevin's favorite author, Faulkner, aloud to him. Then it was time for "Oboe Hour" (in which nosotros listen to oboe music for one hr), then nosotros did a Zumba grade. Next, I read Cheddar's favorite writer, Rimbaud, aloud to him in the original French. Then I denied a asking from Jake to participate in something called a "Mario Party." After that, Kevin, Cheddar, and I learned how to build and operate an abacus (Kevin was hopeless). Then we took a stroll through the neighborhood, maintaining a distance of three meters from ane another.
Now that I take reread what I only wrote, I realize that my routine hasn't inverse at all from earlier the pandemic. Exist prophylactic. Stay inside. Read your dog Rimbaud." —Dan Goor
Social distancing king. Photograph: HBO
How are nosotros supposed to manage twenty-four hour period-to-day in this new era?Larry Davidhas been trying to teach you for years: He put Purell on each table at Latte Larry's, he waged a jihad against defecation in his restrooms, and he's been practicing social distancing since before he knew what it was called. In fact, Larry finds that the government-mandated rules on social distancing don't arrive enough. They don't embrace group text bondage, reply-alls, people who don't know how to go off the phone, favors, or the online communal anythings that are inflicted upon us on a daily basis. We are doing a lot, but Larry thinks nosotros need to practise more. Larry wants his social distancing measured not in meters merely in miles.
Isolated in his business firm, Larry doesn't feel imprisoned. He feels relief. Think of all the time he's saved because he doesn't have to come up with a proficient lie well-nigh why he doesn't desire to have dejeuner with you or go to your poetry reading. When he goes for a walk, you lot tin rest bodacious in that location will exist no cease and chats. He might slip on to the golf grade, even though information technology's closed, and try to sneak a round in, but he'll detect that without people around, the blackness swans have gotten fifty-fifty more territorial.
Jeff would pretend to test positive for the coronavirus simply to avoid Susie. ButSusie would also "test positive" merely to brand Jeff miserable. And then Susie and Jeff would be locked up in the house together. And the number of affairs Jeff has would go downward just not to naught.
Leon would be dubious about all the paw-wringing near the manus-washing protocols. Peculiarly subsequently urination. "Why should I wash my hands when all I touched was me?"
When this is all over, Larry will go to the car wash to get information technology thoroughly cleaned. As he watches them put the finishing touches to the interior, he sees the motorcar-wash employee sneeze into the drying towel … and then continue to clean the steering wheel with it. And Larry volition walk home.
—Jeff Schaffer
"Well … sonofabitch. You miss the boat on your COVID-one-nine stock-up? You need toilet paper? A thermometer or perhaps some slightly out-of-engagement chloroquine pills? Go to GetItFromSawyer.com. I may merely have a hatchload of top-quality Dharma products available, including the above-mentioned items, plus Dharma beer, ranch dressing, tequila, green beans, refried beans, pinto beans, black beans, rubbing alcohol, craven-noodle soup, boxed vino, soap, olives, chocolate-mint cookies, my ain bootleg boar jerky, and i asthma inhaler. Until nosotros all go out of this purgatory — that's just an expression; information technology's not real purgatory — let me help you lot out. And so yous know, time travel's a bowwow, simply I may take gotten a fiddling peek into our time to come, and we're all gonna make information technology through this. (Only I still don't know who those people were on that other damn outrigger.) Until then, lots of beloved, stay safe … and namaste!" —Carlton Cuse
Archie andEdith enter through the forepart door, just returning from church, to findGloria andMike watching the news. Before they can get their coats off, Mike says, "In that location's a pandemic, Arch. We need to practice social distancing. They desire us to be 6 to x feet autonomously at all times."
Archie responds, "Sounds expert to me, Meathead." He turns to Edith, "I'm gonna take a nap. Wake me when it's 6 to 10 blocks autonomously. No, brand that six to ten miles."—Norman Lear
Schneideris then codependent on the Alvarez family that he would check in with them constantly. He'southward also doing the work of an addict and attending AA meetings via Zoom. He'due south taking care of himself and checking in on the tenants in his building. I run across him going to the grocery shop to get items for any of the elderly people who alive in his building. I remember he would be a helper.
Thankfully,Penelope is a medical professional person, soLydia is listening to her daughter. Which is and so huge right now! Also, Penelope would be exposed because of her work, so she would be practicing a quarantine in her room every bit well as disinfecting anything she touches in the home to protect her mother and her children. I'm sure Lydia is talking to Berto and the popes a lot and catching up on every telenovela. Plus dance parties for sure!—Gloria Calderón Kellett
—Jennie Snyder Urman (script), Jaime Camil (performance)
Diana is sheltering at home, conducting Zoom meetings with the staff wearing a style face mask that she has blinged out herself. Cheers to Enzo, she is running a black-marketplace business in toilet paper — which she trades for vodka and chicken parm from Carbone. After rereading Gabriel García Marquez'southwardDear in the Fourth dimension of Cholera, she and Enzo slowly sanitize each other before bed.—Darren Star
Coach Taylor says: Wash your hands! Photograph: NBC
INT.: PANTHERS LOCKER ROOM
COACH TAYLOR
The commune announced schools will be closed starting tomorrow, and so this is the last fourth dimension we'll exist meeting for a while. Maybe a long while. The least important thing right now is football. However. Nevertheless damn of import. You're still on this team. You still have football responsibilities. We're lucky enough to alive in Texas. In that location's tons of empty spaces. Go notice one and do your running, do your suicides, practice your stretches. If yous're a quarterback, hang a truck tire in your yard and throw a football through information technology an hr every solar day. Is that understood?
TEAM
Yes, sir.
COACH TAYLOR
Meanwhile. There is a sure segment of our population who believe that the rules exercise non use to them. That they don't have to worry virtually all this. And I'chiliad staring at 60 members of that segment of our population right now. Gentlemen. Y'all volition put yourself and your family and your customs at serious hazard if you act like a jackass. So I'm asking you to take this as seriously as yous have taken annihilation in your life. Practice your social distancing. Stay at home. Your social calendars are officially on hold. And in instance I haven't made myself clear enough, permit me state it more obviously. No parties. No sexual practice. No physical contact. Is this admittedly clear?
Team
Aye, sir.
Passenger vehicle TAYLOR
Good. Do not allow me down on this one, gentlemen.
Read the rest of Double-decker Taylor's speech communication ➽
*Nosotros hear Amanuensis LAURIE BLAKE's acerbic, mellifluous VOICE OVER*
The neat thing about Riverdale is that the town exists in a perpetual state of crunch. Indeed, Riverdale has been both in lockdown and quarantine mode before — just that was to combat a mysterious affliction that was making all of the cheerleaders accept fierce seizures. (Turned out it was a by-product ofHiram Gild'due south drug-production functioning — polluted river water.) If the coronavirus striking Riverdale, the kids would be in deep trouble, as they cannot keep their hands off each other and social distancing is definitely not their forte. But they are resourceful.
First, there's the fully self-sustaining bunkerDilton Doiley congenital. The kids have been using it primarily as a sex-bunker for their trysts, but a good 12 people could hole upward there with no problem. There's electricity, food, water, and — presumably — plumbing.
Another place folks could hunker down is Popular'due south Chock-lit Shoppe. When the town was rioting (over again, thanks to Hiram), a group of citizens fabricated their concluding stand at the diner. Most important, there'southward a seemingly endless supply of milkshakes and burgers and onion rings to exist had at Pop'southward — and we know it does takeout and commitment.
And if the corona-crisis threatens to last beyond the end of their senior year? Knowing the kids, they'd probably concur prom despite the take chances, secretly if necessary — I hateful, there's no wayCheryl Blossom is not beingness crowned prom queen this year. Every bit for graduation, let'southward get real. Given how little time whatever of these teenagers have spent in classes, would whatever of them actually be eligible for graduation? Well, mayhapKevin Keller.—Roberto Aguirre-Sacasa
Fifty-fifty in far more normal times than these, social distancing is a key aspect of stalking. The whole deal is you gotta stay far plenty away that the subject of your involvement doesn't notice you watching. Currently, all nonessential workers in California have been told to stay dwelling. This would include bookstore managers. But Joe Goldberg is such a proficient guy. He'd be the first to become get groceries and supplies for his neighbors, the single mom down the street, and, of course, anyone who might be self-isolating in the muzzle in his storage unit. And while he's out and virtually, well … the improver of a face up-obscuring mask or scarf and nitrile gloves to his usual jacket-and-cap "invisibility" await would return him even more anonymous, making this a perfect time to walk past an interesting uncurtained window without fright of existence recognized.
Of form, it is very difficult to kill someone with, say, a brick or knife or hammer while staying six feet away from them. But luckily Joe isn't a murderer and would never think of doing a thing similar that. Sure, he'due south concealing a slingshot, throwing stars, and a pocket-sized handgun in his jacket, but he can't imagine he'd ever have to use them. He's a really proficient, peaceful, irenic guy, subsequently all.—Sera Risk
Portrait of a poet in self-isolation. Photograph: Apple
According to the myth of Emily Dickinson, die-hard recluse, she would have thrived in this time of COVID-xix. She quarantined herself on a regular basis upwardly in her floral-wallpapered bedroom, where she wrote her poems, many of them odes to privacy, solitude, stillness, withdrawal — even decease itself. "The Soul selects her ain Order — / And then — shuts the Door," she famously declared.
But what if the truth most Emily Dickinson is more complicated than this? What if Emily wrote then intensely nearly solitude because she was trying to convince herself that the loneliness she felt was okay? What if these songs of privacy, of shutting out the world, were at least in role her attempts to heal, to reckon with, the painful, all-penetrating desire she felt to be heard by somebody, to be held, to be understood? Emily'southward sister, Lavinia, one time remarked that Emily "was always looking for the rewarding person." This is a woman who corresponded for 24 years with a man, Thomas Wentworth Higginson, whom she met IRL just once. A woman who, hidden away in her room, couldn't resist lowering a handbasket of gingerbread downwards to the neighborhood children. A woman who wrote hundreds of love letters to her ain sister-in-police, Sue, who lived in the business firm next door. No poet is an island, and solitude loses all meaning without companionship. The "polar privacy" Emily identified in her work tin merely be felt in contrast with the warmth of human relationships. The longer we are separated from each other, the more we will yearn to connect. And I accept a feeling that Emily Dickinson would have hated Zoom.— Alena Smith
If you saw the serial finale, yous know that federal law enforcement was already trying to impose strict social-distancing regulations on Vic Mackey that he was already plotting to circumvent. Vic would not practice well at all under quarantine. He was ever a shark who had to be pond among the people, regardless of the danger that presented to him or (especially) others. He definitely would non trust Zoom to communicate. Those conversations aren't secure plenty. He would about certainly sneak out into the world and plot with other rule-breakers, maintaining a half-dozen-human foot altitude at all times, except when he had to evangelize a swift kick to their balls to emphasize a point. He'd brand sure to wear gloves, though. At the same time, he'd obsess over whether Corrine and their kids were obeying the shelter-calm rules and insist emphatically on their compliance while ignoring those rules himself. —Shawn Ryan
It would be tough forRay and particularly Debra.Robert might article of clothing a hazmat suit to come over.Frank andMarie would be fine. Marie would say, "Where am I going? As long as I can be hither with my family, helping, I'm happy." Debra would ask Frank for advice. Frank: "I've been quarantined for 56 years." —Phil Rosenthal
ANNOUNCER (Vocalisation-OVER)
The dedicated detectives of the Special Victims Unit of measurement are home, pursuant to a self-isolate social club. This is their Zoom session.
FADE IN: BENSON, FIN, ROLLINS, CARISI, and KAT, all seen as talking heads in five modest laptop-cam boxes.
BENSON
So, everyone still feeling okay?
CARISI
Fine. [Sneezes.] Information technology'south cypher. I got allergies.
ROLLINS
And my hands are raw from washing them 20 times a solar day.
BENSON
I hear that. Fin?
FIN (who has been watching a different Television screen)
Sorry. I've just been sitting on my couch, gaming. I don't get what all the fuss is nearly; it's merely a regular weekend for me.
KAT
It's been eight days, Fin.
FIN
If you say and then.
ROLLINS
I'yard holed up with a 5-year-old, a ane-year-erstwhile, and my dog in an 800-square-foot apartment. Tin can't I come in and look at some cold cases?
BENSON
Stay where you are. At to the lowest degree you don't have to distance learn.
ROLLINS
How'd that piece of work out for you lot?
BENSON
Well, Noah and I were supposed to study Mayan culture, but we concluded upwardly watching TikTok videos. —Warren Leight and Julie Martin
Read the balance of SVU'due south coronavirus scene ➽
After single-handedly stopping the spread of the highly lethal Cordilla virus, Jack Bauer is no stranger to pandemics. Simply because Jack is accustomed to taking action, he'd be feeling pretty restless in the face up of the restrictions imposed by social distancing. Sure, he'd follow the rules, and probably sample that gratuitous month of Disney+ … unless, of course, he had the chance to do a crossover episode with another tv set bear witness. One involving fourth dimension travel. So he could roll back the clock a couple of months and travel to the "moisture market place" in Wuhan — the alleged basis zero of the creature-to-human transmission of COVID-xix — and free the pangolins and the bats from their cages earlier the shit striking the fan. Of course, none of united states of america would ever know that Jack Bauer had saved the world yet once more. But Jack would be simply fine with that. —Howard Gordon
How would Elena Richardson handle social distancing owing to a global pandemic? In 1997? First, she would go to Sam's Lodge (in xanthous plastic dish gloves up to her elbows) in order to fill her garage fridge (and two garage freezers) with enough T-os steaks, bagel pizzas, and Nutrition Peach Snapple for a small regular army. Though she'd continue to pay household staff, she would tell them to not to come up in. Then, subsequently getting step-by-stride instructions on the new complicated vacuum Bill gave her for their anniversary, she would immediately institute a colorful chore cycle for her children that they will need to complete if they want to watchReal World.
Between wiping downwards surfaces and washing her hands until her duke drain, she would keep volume lodge live with three-style calling, just would purposefully exclude Elizabeth, postVagina Monologues controversy (nevertheless she'd take no qualms almost using Elizabeth to pull strings to get her whole family tested). When rumors abound that colleges might wave SATs this yr, she would write an op-ed in theShaker Times, saying that kids who tested early and scored well shouldn't be punished; rather, they should be rewarded for planning and forethought. As for Bill, he would find a new way to avoid the children — and Elena'southward mandate that they all picket Must See TV together — by making his ain beer out in the garage, in the narrow space of real estate not occupied by Elena'southward multiple towers of hoarded Charmin rolls.—Liz Tigelaar and the more neurotic members of theNiggling Fires writing staff
Pop? Self-isolating? Those things mixed together don't compute. That human being doesn't know how to NOT work. Piece of work is life and life is piece of work to him. After a heavy, dragged-out argument,Erik andAna would forcefulness him to stay home while they keep the store running. They tin can't take a chance Popular getting sick.Chris would create an over-the-peak social-media campaign effectually his curbside pick-up that would irritate Erik, merely at least information technology helps Pop be at ease while he stays home and catches up on some Netflix. However, he'd only get 15 minutes through an episode ofTidying Up earlier he starts Marie Kondo-ing the crap out of the house. Unfortunately, Erik would come domicile to detect his loftier-school bongs got tossed out. They hold a lot of sentimental value. What can nosotros say? Erik's a romantic.—Marvin Lemus and Linda Yvette Chavez
Gretchen and Jimmy, same as ever. Photo: FX
Jimmy andGretchen would not know anything was happening in the world because mostly they stay habitation having weird sex and drinking. Gretchen would just be happy to hear her part is closed for the foreseeable future and wouldn't read whatever further in the e-mail, assuming the "COVID-xix" in the subject line was only the kind of lame concern-speak she's highly expert at pretending to sympathize.Edgar would be in a constant anxious state, in and out of the house with mask and gloves on, wiping down all groceries and takeout food, but they would but wait impatiently for him to exist washed with whatever dumb shit he's doing before grabbing their now-sanitized snacks and heading dorsum down to their room, never wondering why Edgar was raving nigh that bad Mexican beer and wearing panic accoutrements, simply assuming he'll eventually go his meds right or freak out and kill someone — either outcome existence adequate as long equally it requires no endeavour on their parts.
During the solitude flow, Jimmy might occasionally venture out to write — becoming mildly curious about the lack of traffic — and ultimately be confused almost finding his café closed. Naturally Jimmy would not investigate any further, other than to assume that since cafés follow a terrible business organisation model — a place where people spend mayhap six bucks to occupy a table for hours! — it finally led them to fiscal ruin. Neither Jimmy or Gretchen read the paper or watch live television or follow anyone noun on social media (Gretchen's feed is all internet-famous animals and drunk teens falling off stuff), then the news only reaches them when Jimmy receives his sister's ashes in the mail; she contracted the virus when she drunkenly tried to brand out with Boris Johnson 1 night when he was walking his dog by the pub she was puking in front of. But past then, everything is open again and Jimmy and Gretchen quickly get sidetracked from having a real discussion almost it when they discover thatFast & Furious ix has been pushed off for a twelvemonth. They spend the evening getting plastered, marathoning the first 8 movies in the serial, and lamenting how unfair life is.—Stephen Falk
The Conners have six family members all living in the same firm. They're strapped for greenbacks, and stocking upwards for long-term isolation isn't realistic for them. The Dejeuner Box would be shut down for the elapsing, soBecky and her baby andJackie accept no income.Dan wouldn't have whatsoever construction jobs to banking concern.Darlene andBen'due south mug-shot mag — which depends on ads from local businesses — would grind to a halt.Mark is too young to piece of work.Harris'due south job at the tattoo parlor would exist on hold considering that's not an essential business. Of everyone in the family, she would be the most probable one to be out at that place hustling, making deliveries for Postmates or taking a chore no one else wants, risking her health in a grocery store or maybe doing much-needed cleanup work at one of the overcrowded Lanford hospitals. Equally a result, she's probably living with Jackie to protect Dan from being exposed to the virus. A little dark? People, information technology'due south the Conners! —Bruce Helford
Bree Van De Kamp would exist thoroughly prepared to meet the coronavirus head on. She would take great pleasure in knowing she had emergency rolls of toilet paper in the cranium, extra bottles of water stored in the garage, and extra boxes of frozen food in her freezer out back. She would likewise exist pleased to help out friends who were not then prepared —Susan, Lynette, Gabrielle — and would gently remind them she had been planning for this kind of catastrophe for years. —Marc Ruby
JOE and SARAH sit on their respective cots in Sarah'due south fortified basement, each reading large books. Joe looks up, asks …
JOE: "Sarah, do you think they're still gonna do Flick Night at the library next week?"
SARAH: "What?"
Joe removes from his mouth the cinnamon stick he's been chewing on.
JOE: "Do yous remember that there'll be Movie Night at the library adjacent week?"
Sarah opens her mouth to respond but pauses. Of course, it'll be canceled, but she knows how much Joe looks forward to the event each calendar month and doesn't want to give him the disappointing news.
Unfortunately, the pause lingers long enough for Joe to figure it out and he nods and returns to reading, disheartened.
Sarah sees the deplorable look on his confront and begins to hum the tune of "Good Time Daughter," used in the opening credits of The New Pope, a television prove that they have been watching this calendar week — ane episode each night earlier bed.
Joe doesn't look up from his volume only begins to move his shoulders up and down to the beat. Though he will never be able to trip the light fantastic toe like the attractive nuns at the beginning of each episode, Sarah and Joe imagine him doing so and smile.
They go back to their books. —Joe Pera
The bar would probably close for skilful and I wanted to add that… Because Emma is Emma, and she still keeps an eye on her old life in finance, she would take been paying attention to the Asian markets afflicted past the coronavirus way before many Americans were taking note. She'd constantly be watching the Reuters TV app on her phone, or her BBC app, or reading updates on Smartnews. And at the end of Feb, when she understood the virus to be undeniably here in the U.South., she would have tried to bring this up to Lyn in regard to the bar — except Lyn would have thought Emma was saying something or other about beer.
In fact, Lyn would not accept "gotten it" until style later, when Mayor Garcetti made everyone stay indoors — a total overreaction, in Lyn's opinion. This whole "cabrona virus" would become a source of contention between the sisters when, instead of engaging with Emma well-nigh the unavoidable (probably permanent) closing of the bar, Lyn would instead take gone on as well many jogs, or for a cup of fruit from a street vendor when she should've been socially distancing, or gone back and forth betwixt Johnny's place for sexy times. ("What?! I was just checking upwardly on him!") But eventually, but similar everyone else in Boyle Heights, Lyn would've had to realize that there was no way to avoid information technology. She was going to be stuck indoors with her prickly, motel-fevered sister for the foreseeable apocalypse. —Tanya Saracho
Social distancing would exist Ryan'south worst nightmare, as he's a codependent who lives alone and doesn't know how to practice basic shit like boil water or navigate blinds. (The ones on his chamber window have been up for months; he doesn't know how to lower them, so everyone on his cake has had the displeasure of seeing him naked.) He'd be spending approximately $xl,000 a day on food commitment, which he justifies as "supporting local businesses." For exercise, he'd proceed three-hour walks around his neighborhood, channeling Hillary Clinton wandering the woods postal service-election loss. He'd proceed a daily quarantine log for Eggwoke. Sample sentence: "Watched the airplane pilot for Cheers, what ever happened to Shelly Long? Thought near masturbating but and so Googled pictures of the Olsen twins smoking instead." His mom, Karen, would exist trying desperately to get him to ride out the 'rona storm with her, but he declines, wanting to prove to himself he can do information technology on his own. From three to 4 p.m. every day, he experiences a wave of optimism. Maybe he'll use this time to arrive shape, learn how to cook, write a novella. Mayhap he'll get to know himself. Like, actually get to know himself. Be the person he always wanted to exist. At four p.m., he orders pad Thai and jerks off to a porn about Mormons. Oh, well. Tomorrow is a new day. —Ryan O'Connell
Baton: Oi, yous in that location. Yes, you. Just continue your two meters away, mate. You accept one stride closer, and I'll take that flagpole in that location, shove it so far down your throat, the Stars 'n' Stripes will pop right outta your bum, folks will be salutin' your arse all twenty-four hour period. Trust me, I can bollocks a bastard and still go on my social altitude.
Homelander: We are Americans! Would John Wayne be scared of a flu? No! So get out there and spend coin! Make sure our stock market flourishes! And if a few one thousand thousand elderly people die, well, Grandma and Grandfather are making a heroic sacrifice for America! I'll run into all of you lot out at Easter! —Eric Kripke
Teresa Mendoza has seen her fair share of danger — bullets, knives, mitt-to-hand combat, multiple kidnappings — but how would she combat a pandemic? She is pretty used to cocky-quarantining whenever she'due south under siege, but usually she and her ride-or-dice right-paw human being, Pote, can shoot their way out of that state of affairs. But you can't really gun downward a virus, even though Pote does suggest continuing in front end of their safe house and shooting anyone who gets closer than six feet. Teresa suggests a different arroyo, then Pote decides to protect Teresa with … pozole. He'southward sure he tin can cure any malady with his cooking, a skillful dose of Vicks VapoRub, and burning palo santo all around the house to ward off the evil pandemic. At night, Teresa and Pote sit on the couch to scout The Nifty British Blistering Show, and in the morning, Pote hits the net to discover out what a pinche pudding is. Meanwhile, Teresa does an intense at-home workout to keep off the pounds from Pote's cooking and to get prepared for when she'due south back to dealing with enemies she can actually run into. —Dailyn Rodriguez and Ben Lobato
"Elmo wants all his friends to know that Elmo is happy at home with his family! Hither on Sesame Street, things are pretty tranquility. Well, except for Oscar'southward tin can. Oscar says he's spending his time doing some recluttering. He's tossing out annihilation that brings him joy. And he wanted me to tell everybody out there, 'Scram!'
In Elmo's apartment, Elmo and his mommy and daddy are doing all kinds of fun things together. Elmo is practicing Simon Says — actually pretty tricky! — and racing his mommy when we play musical chairs. She's fast!
Elmo'southward mommy and daddy even set up a video conversation, so Elmo can take virtual playdates with all his friends. (Elmo just learned that word: vir-tu-al! It'due south a skilful one.) Nosotros sing songs together, and we accept story time, and sometimes we take a big dance party.
Elmo sends yous big virtual hugs … goodbye-bye!" —Ken Scarborough
Source: https://www.vulture.com/2020/04/if-i-wrote-a-coronavirus-episode.html
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